!" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. .LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH{fill:var(--newRedditTheme-actionIcon);height:18px;width:18px}.LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH rect{stroke:var(--newRedditTheme-metaText)}._3J2-xIxxxP9ISzeLWCOUVc{height:18px}.FyLpt0kIWG1bTDWZ8HIL1{margin-top:4px}._2ntJEAiwKXBGvxrJiqxx_2,._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{vertical-align:middle}._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-inline-flexbox;display:inline-flex;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center} They make up everything. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes How did you do it? he asked. For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. Obviously, use them only when the conversation gets out of control and the other person stoops to insults. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine?, The priest looks at the bottle and says: Good Lord! Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. you couldn't kick jokesmichelle fleury ancestry. Submitted by Andre Batista. Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. Thats when I realized he was her favourite twin. You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing at the bottom. Im doing great! As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean? He texts back, I dont know, love you and talk to you later. The mom replies, Its OK, dont worry about it. I dont know, she replies. He seems fine now, says the vet. These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up! It's stopped twerking. That water is yucky!, He replied, Well, it tasted good yesterday. Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta, While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, DISARM TODAY! On the other side, it said, DAT ARM TOMORROW.Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people dont usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, Parking fine. That was very nice of them! Its these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said. Sharri82 5 yr. ago. Between you and me, something smells. 1. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. Daddy! How do you get two whales in a car? What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. We have the best football jokes kids would love. ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} Tomac. Dont miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. In a normal tone, he asks, Honey, whats for supper?, So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, Honey, whats for supper? Still no response. 2. Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the cars indicators are working. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. I started lusting, Father., Yes, says the priest, Lust is a dangerous sin., Theres more, says the man. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. moments. You cant make somebody love you. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? Youre running around with another womanadmit it! she demanded. ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen., 46. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.". 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Dont Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. My father-in-law calmly shook his head. .c_dVyWK3BXRxSN3ULLJ_t{border-radius:4px 4px 0 0;height:34px;left:0;position:absolute;right:0;top:0}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;margin-top:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._33jgwegeMTJ-FJaaHMeOjV{border-radius:9001px;height:32px;width:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._1wQQNkVR4qNpQCzA19X4B6{height:16px;margin-left:8px;width:200px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:12px 0}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._29TSdL_ZMpyzfQ_bfdcBSc{-ms-flex:1;flex:1}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx .JEV9fXVlt_7DgH-zLepBH{height:18px;width:50px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._3YCOmnWpGeRBW_Psd5WMPR{height:12px;margin-top:4px;width:60px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN{height:18px;margin-bottom:4px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2E9u5XvlGwlpnzki78vasG{width:230px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN.fDElwzn43eJToKzSCkejE{width:100%}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2kNB7LAYYqYdyS85f8pqfi{width:250px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._1XmngqAPKZO_1lDBwcQrR7{width:120px}._3XbVvl-zJDbcDeEdSgxV4_{border-radius:4px;height:32px;margin-top:16px;width:100%}._2hgXdc8jVQaXYAXvnqEyED{animation:_3XkHjK4wMgxtjzC1TvoXrb 1.5s ease infinite;background:linear-gradient(90deg,var(--newCommunityTheme-field),var(--newCommunityTheme-inactive),var(--newCommunityTheme-field));background-size:200%}._1KWSZXqSM_BLhBzkPyJFGR{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetBackgroundColor);border-radius:4px;padding:12px;position:relative;width:auto} Oh yesthe news. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. Youre drunk.. But that's not all. A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. ", "If I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life], 23. What did the baby corn say to its mom? Try these funny birthday jokes! You wont believe these funny classified ads actually ran! He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. Jim nervously mimicked her. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. Yes, I said, but I really dont need it., Without missing a beat, she replied, We dont sell things that people need. Joe Caputo. r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs, The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it. Ill ask your sister. Friend making bad life choices? All of a sudden, he hears a voice. In the piano! Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. A young monk arrives at the monastery. If youre cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?, 12. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. Check out thesefunny political quotes you cant help but laugh at. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment, instead? Chandler, Friends [Read: Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny], 9. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! Thats when youll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. Ive found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. Tap To Copy. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. 70. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. That didnt suit my husband. I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. A receding hare-line. Dont miss our side-splitting roundup of hilarious Canadian jokes. 79. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. Whats a Queen without her King? BBLTHRW. Im not very good at advice. If you smile whilst youre giving your smartass quote, youre going to take away its power. Thats just how I roll. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! A gnome, comes the reply. I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. Next week is his First Communion., I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. It's my first time too. Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! Sweatin' like a whore in . If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. Im not allowed on the couch., Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. The point of being sarcastic is that its cool and effortless. "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? But I had to call you because Im in awe of his relationship with God. A cornfield. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now. Actually, she replied, the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. 10. Menu. Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.Submitted by Mary Buoye, Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, Even if you were an only child, you still wouldnt be Mom and Dads favourite. Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. Submitted by Tyler Meason, The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. Couldn't run a chook raffle. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. Well, theyre not laughing now. Yes, I said. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? 5. Its not until an hour or two later that you come up with a one-liner to knock them off their feet. ", "What do you call someone who graduates last in their class from Med school? I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. .FIYolDqalszTnjjNfThfT{max-width:256px;white-space:normal;text-align:center} The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Today I saw something that reminded me of you. Then it hit me. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. Where are average things manufactured? When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. What's a cat's favorite dessert? Laugh more: Corny jokes for kids ', Dad replies, 'We are your real parents, son. Finally, after wed seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. Liked what you just read? The jury comes back with the verdict. Sir! "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. Next, he moves into the dining room. Submitted by Reid Faylor. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. Good news, he said. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasnt. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. Dont miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Nature is beautiful and so am I. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. Its from Uncle Ben. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. Do you own a doghouse? Dont miss these bad jokes you cant help but laugh at. She couldn't control her pupils. Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. Still, Id like you to mail me the results., A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctors office. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. Its shift work. ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face I love sharpies., 32. ", "If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. Local man killed by falling piano. Tempting fate, I tried it on. Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. Now he wont come when I call him. It can only become stairs.Mitch Hedberg, What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller. Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. My life is a mess, he says. 3. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Hope that helped raise your smartass quota for the week. We missed the R! Now, if youre not someone who raises their eyebrow easily, dont do it. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. You were looking for a piece of plastic. Weeks? We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. You have 30 more years to live.. We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours., The priest pauses. Weinstein. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?. One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. He needed a little space. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. Crime in multi-storey car parks. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? 7. Youve been complaining ever since you got here., Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. A mug is placed between his hands. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. This is my step ladder. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. So whats the most effective way to get out your frustrations while still coming off like the lovable stud/studette that you are? Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! This was because he wanted to make sure that their knee-caps were alright! Sometimes life leads you astray with no one to turn to. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. Try giving them one of these funny compliments! I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff. [Read: All the quotes you need while going through a breakup], 15. Well get ready, because Im about to be gorgeous., 27. A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Then, it hit me. Please, not while Im eating.Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! My ex had one very annoying habit. When Im done, poof! Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. You keep out of this! she yells. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!